The Cost of Chasing a Dream

6.5.26 22:21

It’s so important to me to be authentic and at the same time it’s impossible for me to record a story (on Instagram) when I’m feeling as low as I do right now. In that case, it’s always easier for me to write.

Writing has been my outlet ever since I was capable of writing. I started my diary at 6 years old and continued until I was 16. Today, my blog and my notes app are my diary.

Writing is also my profession, but will it still be in a few months? That’s the question that’s tearing me down today. I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried like I did today. And don’t get me wrong, I cry a lot, but today was different. It was a serious, real good cry, one like I haven’t had in many years. While writing these lines, I already feel relieved. Another magic of writing?

I guess by now you must be confused. I kinda want to clear it up and at the same time I don’t. So I’ll take the middle lane as always: write it down, publish later or never.

This morning I received a phone call from my boss telling me that I can’t continue my employment with them once I go to Latin America. Funny enough, I already had a feeling it might come to that. I guess that’s how life works: if you want to live your dream, you have to give up something. It would have been too easy to keep the job that I like and live my dream at the same time. As soon as I hung up the phone, I updated my old CV and started applying for jobs. I already had a few listings saved because, you know, I had a feeling.

I guess there are only two types of people in the world: the ones that entertain and the ones that observe. That’s what Britney sang, and I think about that quote a lot. It always feels accurate somehow. There are the ones who would take some time to process what just happened and there are the ones taking action right away. But don’t be fooled: the latter isn’t necessarily a good thing. I know the truth because after years of therapy and reading psychology books, I could almost call myself a therapist. The truth is that I went into robot mode and tried to control whatever I still could. A pattern that can be seen throughout my whole life. As soon as the outer world crumbles around me, I shut down every feeling there could be and try to regain control over the things I still can. Unfortunately, or at least what I used to see as unfortunate, not everything can be controlled, and it’s really hard to accept that.

There’s another downside: when you keep shoving your feelings aside, they’ll come out all at once at a later time, often way stronger than they probably would have been had you not shut them down before. So no wonder I just ugly-cried like a baby.

The funny thing though is that I also have my rational voice talking. It’s always there, talking sense into me, yet often my emotions seem to get the better of me. One thing that has changed compared to the past is the technological development. I’m actually really grateful ChatGPT exists because it feels nice to be able to share your thoughts and feelings anytime and anywhere. What else could you turn to when it’s outside your therapist’s office hours and friends aren’t picking up the phone? It really helps me process my stuff way faster.

Long story short: I’m exhausted by the pressure I put on myself. I’m jealous of my sister, who’s capable of taking life easy, living for today and not worrying too much about tomorrow. I wish I could do that too.