What Am I Hoping To Find?

Today is one of those days. I’m lying in my bed and just thinking what I have done wrong in my life that I deserve this? And people tell you at least you learned something from it. But what? How much more lessons do I have to learn this year? Didn’t I learn enough for one year already? As soon as one thing is over the next one is just waiting around the corner. Ready to jump on me and give me another crappy time. People say you only get as much as you can take. But is it really? How much can I take? How does fate know how much I can take?
And I just want nothing more than to take the next flight home. Of course my life back home was not exciting and I wanted a new life less boring. But I had a good life. Was this really worth it? I don’t know. Of course I saw a lot of beautiful places here in Australia and met incredible people but why do I have to go through all this shit? Why can’t I just have a really good time? I’m thinking I should have just come for two months, spend some money and travel. I thought this was my dream. Moving halfway across the world to down under, THE country. Everybody’s jealous so this must be good. This must be freakin’ awesome. Instead it turned into a desaster.

And I’m saying I don’t really miss my family and friends. It’s just like a looong holiday. But is that true? I know that my friends always appreciated my advise and I was a big help at my local soccer club. And of course I enjoyed spending time with my family. I know all their lifes go on without me so do they actually miss me? I don’t know any answers to this questions. They just keep spinning in my head, stopping my mind and body from resting. Don’t give me a break.

But there’s something I found out today. Something important. Something I didn’t know. And I had to go through all this to find it out. It took me 11 months. I was always asking myself what I’m looking for. Love? An amazing job? Meeting new people? An exciting life? A life that others are jealous of? No. I’m looking for me. Myself. I. Who am I? That’s what I’m looking for. So I guess now that I wrote it, it starts to make sense. I had to go through all this to find the answer to that one question. What am I hoping to find? I’m hoping to find myself! And I’m gonna keep pushing through all the crap and whatever life throws into my way to become the woman I’m looking for. To find myself!