Feeling Depressed

08.07. 21:16
I’m sitting on my 20 m2 balcony and feel depressed af. I have a 60 m2 apartment, I have food at home, I own a car, a phone, I have a computer, a tablet, I have family that helps me during my recovery, I have lots of clothes, two cats and yet I feel depressed.
It’s a nice summer day, not too cold and not too hot. I have a nice view from my balcony and I live in a quiet street with friendly neighbours. I have friends though they don’t live close by they would call me eventually and be worried if I didn’t get back to them. And yet I feel depressed.
I just had a major knee surgery and didn’t have to pay a cent for it because I live in a country with one of the best health care systems in the world. And yet I feel depressed.
I only have a mini job and am currently on sick leave because of my recovery and can still pay my bills because I live in a country with one of the best social systems in the world. And yet I feel depressed.
Why? I’m honestly not sure though I do have an idea.
I’m a person who gets bored easily and likes to meet new people and be in new places. I always say I love being alone and I do but not always. I’ve just been in the hospital for five days where there was always something going on and I shared a room with two other people. Though I didn’t really get rest there I always had someone to talk to or something to observe. I like the peacefulness at home but since my brother brought me back home and closed the door behind him after he left I feel this immense depression. I feel lonely. It’s super hard for me to admit that but it’s the truth.
Why am I sharing these very personal feelings with the world?
Because I want people out there to know that this is life. I am 100% sure, that there are other people out there who feel the same way or have similar feelings. I am also sure that a lot of them might think they are the only ones who feel that way or that people around them don’t understand them.
Though I do have a big family and some friends I don’t feel that they understand me at all. I do have some friends in other countries who I know understand me but they live too far away. I’m sick and tired of people here not being open minded. All the wealth that we have in my country does not make me happy. Some might say it’s because I don’t have a partner. But honestly if I need a partner to be happy that wouldn’t be a healthy relationship. A partner can bring you happiness and joy but only if you’re happy with yourself to begin with. At least that’s what I believe.
And than there’s also this feeling of guilt. Knowing that I have all those things and I still feel depressed makes me also feel guilty. Guilty because I’ve been in a lot countries and know that there are so many people out there who don’t have enough to eat or a place to live. So now I feel depressed and guilty. It’s a very heavy load and it reminds me of the song “Heavy” by Linkin Park. I just totally get the lyrics and it describes the feeling perfectly.
So what can help me?
I’m still trying to figure that out and appreciate any advise. I know that taking walks helps me a lot but unfortunately I can’t do that at the moment. I’m working on changing my life, I just quit my job that I didn’t like and recover from my surgery. I’m trying to get rid of stuff that I own and plan to move to a different country as soon when all my stuff here is sorted out. I want to live close to the sea because the sea always helps me in many ways which I might write about another time.
By sharing this I hope I can help others to feel a little less lonely. Appreciate if you share your thoughts!